Two 12/23/16

It’s like some days you just can’t please anyone. Those are the days that kill you the most. When you’re the safest place for someone to take their anger out. Don’t get me wrong, I can take a beating- emotional or physical. If I set my mind to it, I’m hard to break. But that doesn’t mean I like it. It also doesn’t mean I deserve it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not perfect. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Things that weren’t right or good. Things that hurt people. But these days I do my best not to screw things up for myself. I’m in a good place. Most days I’m genuinely happy. Some days I have to fake it, but who doesn’t? There are days that I lose my cool. My temper gets the best of me. And so help me God, I can be mean. It’s somewhere deep down inside me and I fight to keep it away because usually the people who have to deal with it, don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve the mean and the nasty that comes out of me. They’re just the unlucky souls that say the wrong thing and have to take it. I know that’s not right. After it’s passed, I genuinely feel bad about it. I know that I tend to screw up the good things in my life. Push the people away that don’t deserve to be shoved. All so I can chase after them in the end. I wish I wasn’t that way. I wish I could sit and enjoy my own happiness and not screw it up. That being said, thinking about it now, I guess I do deserve it when people do the same thing to me. Tomorrow’s Christmas, you know. I’m dreading it. The love of my life is mad at me for a reason I can only guess at. I can hope things will be okay in the morning but that’s more exhausting than I like to let on. Maybe I’m strange. I don’t believe in sleeping things off. It breaks my heart for people to go too long without knowing how I feel about them. I guess I’m too sensitive in that aspect…but it kills me. I don’t sleep well and nothing feels right. As much as it hurts me, I think that I need to wear my heart on my sleeve to some extent. Only with the people I truly trust though. That doesn’t mean it won’t blow up in my face but it seems it would be less likely. I’ve lived my life both ways- heart on my sleeve and emotions locked up tightly inside. It suits me better to put it all out in the open. I’m an honest person. I don’t lie and to hide feelings, just to protect myself, seems to be a betrayal of the honesty that I so value. I’m tired of not having the words to say to fix everything. That’s all I want, to make everything okay. Life is too short to have things not be okay. People tend to leave too quickly to waste time and not let them know how you feel. I’m thinking of sleeping on the floor tonight but that takes a night problem and turns it into a morning problem. I see no reason to carry problems from one day into the next if I can help it. Unfortunately there are people who disagree with me. I don’t ┬ámind someone being mad at me. I prefer to know the reason and generally I try to understand. It usually doesn’t make it much better but at least then I know I tried. I love him. I can see my whole future with him and it’s beautiful. He’s everything I need and nothing I was looking for. But I’ve been in a relationship like this before- when it’s good, it’s great and when it’s bad, it’s ugly. Looking back I can see that my past relationship crossed over into mentally and emotionally abusive. I don’t see my current relationship in that light. This man loves me more than anyone has ever loved me. He sees me in a way I’ve been trying to get people to see me my whole life. Sometimes I say the wrong things or do the wrong things. I can’t help it. I’m only human. I understand why he gets upset with me most days. He makes mistakes too. It’s a give and take. But in the times I don’t understand, I catch a glimpse of my past relationship and that is terrifying to me. That is something I promised myself I would never go back to. It takes a lot out of a person to apologize over and over for things that happened months or even years before. It takes even more out of a person to apologize and deal with anger that they’re not even sure what the cause of is. It drives a person to insanity. It is a sad, dark, ugly path to go down. And I’ve been there. Hell, it took me almost four years to regain the confidence that that relationship sucked out of me. I don’t want to see my current relationship, this lifelong, life altering, one of a kind love, end that way. See it go down that path. The thought of it makes me sick. I want this to be good but I can’t be the only one who wants that. Relationships are a two person effort. to do it alone, is an impossible battle. That much I’m sure of.

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One 11/29

Some…no, most people will always be better at walking. They’ll walk anywhere but to you. Me, I’ve always been a chaser. Which has the unfortunate appearance of seeming desperate. I guess I am desperate in a way. Desperate for someone to chase me back the way I’ve spent my whole life chasing everyone else. I beg people to stay- no shame, whatsoever. Totally open and pathetic. I think the worst part is that everyone ends up walking away anyway. They may turn… see me crying on the floor…and then walk away. for that brief moment when they turn, I think they really care. That someone is choosing me. That I’m worth it to someone. And then they keep walking, without fail. And then I turn out more pathetic than I already was. I’ve tried to flip the script, be the one doing the walking. Of course in the back of my mind knowing that I’ll never be able to actually leave. I’m just trying to draw the desperation out of someone else, the begging, the need for me to stay as much as I need them to stay. It never comes, I always end up groveling and apologizing and begging for forgiveness. So I guess this is my question, how am I SO disposable to the people that I consider in-disposable? Why doesn’t anyone ever ask me to stay? Or even notice when I’m gone? Why do I choose to give everything to people who can’t even give a little for me? As soon as I’ve made peace with one person, it seems I bring another into my life who can just toss me aside as easily as the last. I feel like I give everything to people and get nothing in return. I mean I get no respect. Who’s going to respect the crying, pathetic girl standing in front of them? I don’t blame them.. I have no backbone. I let people walk all over me. I just hope I’m helping them in some way, leaving a positive mark on their lives that will soon no longer include me. I literally wait for people to leave me. When I’m feeling confident, I question it… I’m smart, I’m funny enough, I get along with mostly everyone, why doesn’t anyone want to stay with me? Not just men either, family and friends walk all over me. And the second that they can’t, I’m the enemy. It hardly seems fair. I mean these are the people that I let close to me. The people that at some point or another know exactly how I feel about myself and my life. So, why do they take advantage of it? I’m so tired of expecting someone to put me first. I know I should stop, clearly it’s not likely to happen. I mean based on experience , it’s foolish to expect any other outcome. I just don’t understand how it’s possible to leave a person crying on the floor. How nothing they can say would even sway you to consider their feelings or the reason behind those feelings. I guess I’m just soft, not made for this world. So many days I wish I was somewhere else, somewhere that I made a difference and meant something real to someone. I met someone who makes me feel that way. Let’s be clear, I know I don’t need someone to make me feel important, but it doesn’t hurt. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone with someone in the room. I hate that, feeling like you’re all alone no matter how many people are with you. He makes me feel alive, like the sun shines out my ass and he looks at me like I’m the only person in the room. I want to do everything for him, make sure he never has a bad day and that nothing bad ever happens to him. That’s my downfall, you know, trying to protect and take care of everyone. Because at some point you realize that there are few, if any, that will do the same for you. And that, that is enough to break a person. It’s not that I need someone to protect me, he doesn’t need anyone to protect him either. I do fine, drifting through the days but it’s always nice knowing that there’s someone who cares as much about you as you do yourself. It’s the alcohol. the alcohol makes everything better or worse all at the same time. You never know where your mind is going to go under the influence, let alone someone else’s. It always makes me more aware of how alone I feel. Except when he’s with me. Those are the good times. Sometimes I forget that maybe he wants to be in his own mind rather than in mine with me. That’s my fault. I can be just as selfish as the next person without even realizing. I think I just need to be less- less caring, less helpful, less out there. I should just stick to myself and not expect anyone else to stick to me. It would just be nice though, for someone to stick to me. I would stick to them too. Sometimes he and I talk about the future, about marriage and kids. I say I would marry him tomorrow. I don’t think he knows I’m serious. I don’t think he’s serious when he says he wants to marry me. I’m a mess and he lives in the middle of it. How could anyone want to spend the rest of their life with someone like me? It’s a tall order to say the least. So I don’t blame him, but I do wish. I think our biggest problem is that he’s runner and I’m a chaser. He’ll say it himself. Running, traveling, the whole lot of it is in his blood. And we’ve already been over my whole chasing complex. So it comes back to that. I chase, when people want me to and especially when they don’t. It’s sad. It’s pathetic. But it’s who I am. And ironically, I can’t run from it. Or I haven’t figured out how to yet. So until the day I do, I guess I’ll be here. Sitting on the floor, puffy eyed and wondering why no one cares enough to chase me. But you know? I think I know the answer. It’s because they don’t have to. I’ll always chase them.